The Truth About Lawyers
By Peter Cross |
During the matter of my divorce (that's lawyer talk - it's always the matter of
this and the matter of that), I spent about $30,000 on three different attorneys
in an extremely frustrating effort just to be able to see my own children. As
each one failed to obtain one single worthwhile benefit for me, I fired them and
hired another one. I couldn't help but notice that I was never allowed to speak
directly to the judge and I felt that these people were not saying the things I
wanted them to say as well as I could, so in the end, I fired them all and
decided to represent myself in court "In Pro Per" (as my own attorney). It was
then that I learned the most important lesson of all:
The Name of the
Game in court is: DON'T PISS OFF THE JUDGE!
The hard truth of the matter
is that attorneys have to work with the judges and with the other attorneys
every day. A client is just a client, and when the case is over, it's over and
they need to get on with the next one. It's really all about careers and about
relationships, and the attorneys' daily business relationships are with other
attorneys. These are the people they have to work with, and they have ethical
guidelines that compel them to all get along even if they really don't like each
other. But when it comes to the judges, it's not a matter of like or dislike.
The judges are little gods, and the reality is that they have huge case loads
that just get larger no matter what they do, and the attorneys understand that
the way to help the judges is to move the cases through court as quicky as
possible. Help a judge do that, and you're on their good side. Take too long
with one particular client, and you're not. DON'T PISS OFF THE JUDGE, or the
judge will definitely find a way to take it out on you. You will not like it
when that happens. I know one particular judge who said to me, "I don't get
angry, I get even". So for the attorneys, their careers may be at stake if they
alienate their peers. The vast majority of attorneys will not put their careers
at risk and jeopardize their professional relationships for any one particular
client.
So does anybody really need an attorney? The law actually implies
that we don't because we are given the right to represent ourselves in court if
we choose to. Does anybody really want you to know this? Definitely not, because
if everybody represented themselves, how would all the law school graduates make
a living? But here's the big problem. When you think you need an attorney, it's
almost always because you've gotten into some kind of serious trouble and you
think that the stakes are too high if you lose. It's kind of like needing a new
roof. Nobody even thinks about their roof until it's too late and the thing is
leaking uncontrollably. And it's only then that they find out how incredibly
expensive a new roof is, and how impossible it is to educate yourself properly
on the subject in order to know how to spend all that money and not get ripped
off. Similarly, until you're in serious trouble, you probably don't even think
about having to choose an attorney. And now the stakes are much higher than when
you need a new roof because with the roof, the great danger is spending a lot of
money and not getting what you paid for. With your legal difficulty, it could be
about having to go to JAIL, not to mention spending a lot of money on an
attorney and then having to go to jail. So when you're in that situation, the
conventional wisdom is unanimous - get the best attorney you can
afford.
So you bust your budget and make your selection. You sit there in
court and watch the attorney do his/her job. How are you supposed to be able to
know whether the best possible job is being done for you? There's no way to know
because you don't understand the game that's being played out. In the end, the
judge calls both attorneys into chambers and the goal of the meeting is to find
a compromise solution that will move the case out of court. The attorneys do
their thing and then they come back into court and tell you, "This is the best
possible deal you're going to get. Trust me on this one. If you don't take this
deal, you're going to make the judge angry and you will never get this deal
again." What can you do? Nothing. You just lost.
But if you ever make the
decision to represent yourself in court, you'd better understand how to behave
properly or you will really piss off the judge. Here are the basics of good
courtroom behavior:
1. Don't digress. Make your points quickly,
logically, and in logical order.
2. Always look the judge directly in the
eyes when talking.
3. Forget your ego and just grovel. Say "Your Honor",
"with all due respect", "forgive my
ignorance" and things like that.
4.
Dress well. Notice that the attorneys all wear suits. Now why do you think they
do that?
Because they all own stock in Brooks Brothers?
5. When you do get
your chance to go back into chambers, follow rules 1 through 4 again.
If
you can master these basics, you will find that an amazing thing happens. The
judge will be entertained by you simply because what you're doing is very rare
and it's not what they have to sit through every day. If you're good and stick
to the basics, the judge will bend over backwards to assist you. Of course,
there is the matter of knowing the law and proper court procedure. It's possible
to lose a case just by missing a trick and being beat to the punch by your
opposing attorney on a simple point of order. So . . . Do you need an attorney?
Probably you do, but maybe you don't. I didn't.
As Sally Struthers said
in All in The Family: "Case Closed !"
About
the Author
Peter Cross is a singer/songwriter/producer who
was among the first to put music on the internet in downloadable format in 1996,
and he has represented himself in court as Attorney In Pro Per many times. To
this day, he is one of the only musicians who has created and designed his own
music web site in html, and at 104 pages filled with entertaining content, it's
one of the largest. Check it out at: http://www.starcrost.com
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